You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
