wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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