her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
