Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
