I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
