Apparently you make a good broom.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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