Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
