Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
