Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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