i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
