Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
