Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
and you fell through a lawn chair
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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