So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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