i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
