I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm too high and old for this...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
