It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
