i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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