"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
