I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
