My nipple is on Facebook.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
