Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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