i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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