he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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