I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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