I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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