There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
