I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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