I have demons in me.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
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Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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