omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
