ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
