Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
