who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
