Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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