Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
