Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
they're like a gay fantastic four
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
