What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
