You can't special order awesome
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
