Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
