The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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