Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
