I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
