I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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