the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
