I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
