I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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