Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My life is pants optional.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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