I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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