i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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