I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
