It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
