Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
