You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
