Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
