Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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