im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
