Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
