I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka?
Forever.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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