why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
