I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
